Humanities 2
This year, I am taking Humanities with Lori Fisher. Over the course of the year we will "work together to uncover the hidden narratives of history in the modern era, and to deepen our knowledge of the major themes of history and the literature of those times." The ultimate goal of this year is to work to become more critical thinkers as individuals.
Poetry Project
Behind The CurtainA fantasy of a perfectly peaceful planet
Is dreamt in the minds of most. Imagining a utopia of abundance and elegance, A world filled with amiable and personable people. But the absence of peace fills our minds. Ragged bloodied soldiers and snapping weapons. It summons us to our death, to our final breath. Relentlessly, that which hides behind the curtain. It is death, we sit, awaiting it. Like the birds in the spring, always returning. It is the flood that consumes land with ease. It’s the trump card, overruling all other power. It is as unavoidable and inescapable as the changing of seasons. It induces our pain. A smirk smeared sloppily across its face, Boasting pure victory, Destroying and demolishing, us. And it remains invisible behind The iron curtain of media. Refusing to be damaged. Disguising The fate of a single bullet To see the entire piece, click here. |
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Artist Statement
Perhaps the most powerful aspect of poetry can be discovered only through hours of deciphering, working to discover the deepest meaning of the words and phrases, peeling the poem back layer by layer, each time learning something new. Throughout our studies of poetry this year in Humanities, I discovered that the most piercing poems contained a mysterious aspect. When the time came to craft my own poem, I was inspired to bring the mysterious aspect I adored in other poems into the content of my own poem. The most mysterious aspect of my poem is the identity of “that which hides behind the curtain.” In an attempt to challenge my reader, I used this phrase to refer to violence, without ever identifying it. This anonymity left the poem open-ended, allowing the reader to determine the message of the poem. The identification of “that which hides behind the curtain” would quickly lead the reader to the message of the poem: peace is desired by most but is unachievable until desired by all.
To see the entire piece, click here.
To see the entire piece, click here.
Growth As A Poet Reflection
For me, deciding on a topic is one of the most challenging aspects of writing poetry. When, after struggling for a few weeks, I finally decided on a perspective for my poem, the words flowed onto the paper rather easily. Throughout the first few drafts of my poem, I communicated a very straightforward, direct message, that peace can not be achieved until all people are working to achieve it: “Dreaming everyday of a world filled with /Abundances and elegance and vacation. /A world filled with amiable and personable people. /But the outliers make this impossible. / Their minds filled with bloodied soldiers and firing weapons.” (Draft 2) Looking back at my inspiration, “There Is A War Going On For Your Mind” by the Flobots, I realized my poem lacked the mysterious aspect that makes a poem so much more challenging and interesting to read. In the next few drafts, I began to weave mystery into my poem by referring to violence as “that which hides behind the curtain.” I found that this made my poem more open-ended allowing the reader to interpret it based on their other evaluations of the poem: “We work to defy / That which hides behind the curtain. / We work to tear down the curtain…” (Final Draft) This mysterious aspect creates more suspense throughout the poem, which entices the reader to race through the poem in anticipation of the ending. Additionally, this simple change completely altered the perspective of my poem by allowing the reader’s morals and opinions shape their interpretation of the poem.
Also, I believe that the repetition of “that which hides behind the curtain” throughout my poem helps define the topic of the poem. In the early stages of writing, I couldn’t decide which topic to write about, so my poem covered all five topics: war, truth, power, peace, and violence: “A world filled with amiable and personable people. / But the outliers make this impossible. / Their minds filled with bloodied soldiers and firing weapons. / Filled with a yearning for the excitement of war. / They’re eager to demonstrate power over…” (Draft 2) The repetition of “that which hides behind the curtain” in later drafts highlighted my focus on this arcane topic: “And it remains invisible behind / The iron curtain of media. / Refusing to be damaged. / Disguising / The fate of a single bullet / And that which hides behind the curtain.”(Final Draft) Also, I found that the use of this phrase in my poem helped me decide which topic I wanted to write about, allowing me to remove sections of the poem that didn’t relate to my topic. This strengthened and clarified my perspective and triggered the rest of the revisions that focused my poem on violence.
To see the entire piece, click here.
Also, I believe that the repetition of “that which hides behind the curtain” throughout my poem helps define the topic of the poem. In the early stages of writing, I couldn’t decide which topic to write about, so my poem covered all five topics: war, truth, power, peace, and violence: “A world filled with amiable and personable people. / But the outliers make this impossible. / Their minds filled with bloodied soldiers and firing weapons. / Filled with a yearning for the excitement of war. / They’re eager to demonstrate power over…” (Draft 2) The repetition of “that which hides behind the curtain” in later drafts highlighted my focus on this arcane topic: “And it remains invisible behind / The iron curtain of media. / Refusing to be damaged. / Disguising / The fate of a single bullet / And that which hides behind the curtain.”(Final Draft) Also, I found that the use of this phrase in my poem helped me decide which topic I wanted to write about, allowing me to remove sections of the poem that didn’t relate to my topic. This strengthened and clarified my perspective and triggered the rest of the revisions that focused my poem on violence.
To see the entire piece, click here.
Seminar Sequence
The Global VillageReactions
During this seminar, we discussed the American stereotype. What does it mean to be living the “All-American” lifestyle? In the article “The Global Village Finally Arrives,” Pico Iyer refers to the American lifestyle as “values of hard work and family closeness and entrepreneurial energy…” As soon as I read this sentence, my first thought was: “Are these common values in the American home anymore?” After thinking about it, I don’t believe that Americans live up to this stereotype anymore. These were the values that older American families used to live by, but as time went on, these values faded from the American lifestyle. Now, families more commonly revolve around television and sports. From Iyer’s point of view, the “American family-based” values are being spread throughout the world. I think that soon, these values will be present in all countries except for America, the country from which these values originated. Do you think Pico Ayer’s vision of the world is accurate? This was written in 1993. Has what he has predicted come to pass? To what extent? This article, “The Global Village Finally Arrives” by Pico Iyer, was written in 1993, so enough time has passed that we can re-evaluate Iyer’s opinion. In some ways, Iyer’s predictions have come true, but the world has to evolve a lot more before it can be considered globalized. To begin, quite a few companies, including BP, BMW, and Wal-Mart have spread internationally. Companies that have international locations range from fast food to oil companies. The spreading of companies and stores is not enough to create a globalized world. To see the entire piece, click here. |
photo from: http://tower.arcadia.edu/?p=688
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The Ones Who Walk Away From the OmelasOPTION 1B– The Boy in the Basement
The visits are always the same. They only come when the light seeps in through the ceiling and my bowl is empty. I can tell that they are coming because I hear the voices above me. I hear them when they come into the house, all the way across the upstairs and then down the cellar steps. I dig my toes into the dirt and await the sound of the door creaking open. When I hear it open, I keep my eyes on the floor and wait for the door to close again. Then it begins again. Today was different though. It began the same, with voices and footsteps from above. But when the door crept open, the door stayed open for so long that I looked up. There was one tall and scraggly man standing there. The one who always comes was absent. I watched him push the door wide open and he stepped into the room. My heart began to speed up as he walked across the room towards me. I closed my eyes in panic. When I opened them again, he was keeling in front of me. He began to speak to me, but I couldn’t understand. He reached forward and touched by bare knee. Then, with his other hand he offered me a pair of pats and a T-Shirt. He put the garments on my body and motioned for me to stand up. I rose to my feet, but then collapsed to the damp, dirt ground. I am so week. I opened my eyes, and the air was musty and polluted with dirt. Before I knew it, the man had picked me up. He walked towards the door with me and then up the stairs. The one who always comes looked at us and then began to scream, and that is when the man began to run. He burst out the door. We didn’t make it far before the man stopped running. To see the entire piece, click here. |
photo from:
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Genocide Project
Op-Ed Final Draft: This is the Ottoman Empire, but it Looks Like Germany
Your skin is scorched, your tongue feels like charcoal in your mouth, and you haven’t eaten in days. You are a victim of the Armenian Genocide. Throughout the spring and summer of 1915, millions of bare feet plodded across the sand of the Syrian Desert in a state of despair. The deteriorating government of the Ottoman Empire, in a state of turmoil turned to the Germans for financial and organizational support. This mistake ultimately led to the German invasion of the Ottoman Empire and the death of nearly a million innocent Christian Armenians. The Armenian Genocide stole the lives of more than one million Christian Armenians through starvation and dehydration, but who was really responsible for this tragic event?
In need of support during WWI, the Ottoman Empire accepted Germany’s assistance and adopted Germany’s aggressive tactics towards minorities, sparking the Armenian Genocide. Many people would argue that the German tactics and assistance in the Ottoman Empire sparked the Armenian Genocide, classifying it as another German-initiated genocide.
In 1908, a nationalist group called the Young Turks overthrew the government of the Ottoman Empire. Their goal was to create a country of “equality of all citizens before the law, freedom of speech and of the press, and all the other essentials of a free, liberty-loving commonwealth.” (Morgenthau, 8). The Ottoman Empire, under the power of the Young Turks, quickly began to deteriorate. Powerless, smaller than ever before, and sliding into debt, the Ottoman Empire needed help.
Seeing the Ottoman Empire as vulnerable and desperate, Germany began to suggest that the Ottoman Empire and Germany become allies. Only months after the Ottoman Empire agreed to allow Germany to help, Germany had practically taken over the country: “A month before the Ottoman Empire had entered the war, Germany was really exercising the powers of sovereignty at Constantinople.” (Morgenthau, 29). German officials attained powerful positions in the Turkish army and navy, and German troops flooded the country. Taking advantage of the Ottoman Empire’s vulnerability, the Germans took whatever they wished from the Christian Armenians. This was one of the first major acts of discrimination against the Christians in the Ottoman Empire.
To see the entire piece, click here.
In need of support during WWI, the Ottoman Empire accepted Germany’s assistance and adopted Germany’s aggressive tactics towards minorities, sparking the Armenian Genocide. Many people would argue that the German tactics and assistance in the Ottoman Empire sparked the Armenian Genocide, classifying it as another German-initiated genocide.
In 1908, a nationalist group called the Young Turks overthrew the government of the Ottoman Empire. Their goal was to create a country of “equality of all citizens before the law, freedom of speech and of the press, and all the other essentials of a free, liberty-loving commonwealth.” (Morgenthau, 8). The Ottoman Empire, under the power of the Young Turks, quickly began to deteriorate. Powerless, smaller than ever before, and sliding into debt, the Ottoman Empire needed help.
Seeing the Ottoman Empire as vulnerable and desperate, Germany began to suggest that the Ottoman Empire and Germany become allies. Only months after the Ottoman Empire agreed to allow Germany to help, Germany had practically taken over the country: “A month before the Ottoman Empire had entered the war, Germany was really exercising the powers of sovereignty at Constantinople.” (Morgenthau, 29). German officials attained powerful positions in the Turkish army and navy, and German troops flooded the country. Taking advantage of the Ottoman Empire’s vulnerability, the Germans took whatever they wished from the Christian Armenians. This was one of the first major acts of discrimination against the Christians in the Ottoman Empire.
To see the entire piece, click here.
Project Reflection
During this project, we chose a specific historical genocide to study over the course of about two weeks. After two lengthy research assignments, we developed perspective statements about any aspect of our genocide. Then, we wrote a 750 – 1000 word piece of writing called an op-ed. This op-ed was supposed to express our perspective statement efficiently and clearly. An op-ed is designed so the reader would understand the genocide, even if they knew nothing about it beforehand. The second part of this project was to create a political cartoon that expressed either the same perspective as your op-ed or a new perspective. In this cartoon, we were to use several cartoon techniques to express our opinion such as irony, captions, and caricatures. Together, these two pieces should communicate a specific message about the chosen genocide.
Looking back at the first political cartoon that I ever drew, I have grown immensely as a cartoonist. In my first cartoon, many things are unclear. Not only does the observer not know where this is taking place, it is also hard to tell exactly what is going on. I feel like in my final draft cartoon about the Armenian Genocide, the small things really make a difference. In my first political cartoon, there are no symbols, but in my final draft, I use different symbols to portray location and power. Also, in my final draft, I used a lot more words to help get my point across than in my first political cartoon. Labels and captions can be so helpful in sending a message. I feel like that is why my final draft is so much more efficient at sending the message than my very first political cartoon. So you can see, there are a couple of major differences between these two cartoons that express my growth as a cartoonist.
An op-ed is a 750 – 1000 word piece of concise writing that is meant to be informing and efficient. This was a different style of writing and it took me some time to get used to. Due to having a word limit, the writer is not free to use descriptive words or imagery in writing. It was very difficult for me to adjust to because I am most effective as a descriptive writer. Even though it was difficult, I liked writing in this style and I think it will be useful in the future. Informative writing is very interesting because as you grow up in the American school system, you are taught about adjectives and adverbs. It is pounded into your head to use them excessively throughout your writing to paint a picture in the reader’s head. Going against event he simplest things that you have been taught can prove to be very difficult. I think that throughout this project, I have learned a very important style of writing that I can continue to use in the future.
Looking back at the first political cartoon that I ever drew, I have grown immensely as a cartoonist. In my first cartoon, many things are unclear. Not only does the observer not know where this is taking place, it is also hard to tell exactly what is going on. I feel like in my final draft cartoon about the Armenian Genocide, the small things really make a difference. In my first political cartoon, there are no symbols, but in my final draft, I use different symbols to portray location and power. Also, in my final draft, I used a lot more words to help get my point across than in my first political cartoon. Labels and captions can be so helpful in sending a message. I feel like that is why my final draft is so much more efficient at sending the message than my very first political cartoon. So you can see, there are a couple of major differences between these two cartoons that express my growth as a cartoonist.
An op-ed is a 750 – 1000 word piece of concise writing that is meant to be informing and efficient. This was a different style of writing and it took me some time to get used to. Due to having a word limit, the writer is not free to use descriptive words or imagery in writing. It was very difficult for me to adjust to because I am most effective as a descriptive writer. Even though it was difficult, I liked writing in this style and I think it will be useful in the future. Informative writing is very interesting because as you grow up in the American school system, you are taught about adjectives and adverbs. It is pounded into your head to use them excessively throughout your writing to paint a picture in the reader’s head. Going against event he simplest things that you have been taught can prove to be very difficult. I think that throughout this project, I have learned a very important style of writing that I can continue to use in the future.
Truth of War Project
Short Story - A Tear For the Courageous
The first time I was bullied was my first day of middle school when I was only eleven. My older brother Graham was attending the same middle school as me, but my true hero on the day I first experienced the wrath of mean girls was James. After Graham caught me fleeing from the bathroom with tears streaming down my face and my hand on my forehead, he told James about the popular girls pushing me into the wall in the bathroom. When I came home after school and James saw the swollen and purpling bruise on my temple he stormed over to those girls’ houses and demanded to speak with the parents immediately. After James lectured the girls, I was never bullied again. From that day on, I never felt a connection to anyone that was as intense as my connection was with James. He is someone that I will never go a day without thinking of. He is and always will be my true hero.
December 21st 2010: Ellie
The drive to the airport is prolonged and silent. I am slouching in the back seat next to Graham. There are no bags in the trunk, but there’s a giant elephant in the car. He hops right in the car to come along.
We aren’t going on a vacation, so there is nothing to be excited about, except for that my brother James is returning today. He is returning from war. My parents have never been supportive of fighting in the army ‘for your country’, even if you believe in what you’re fighting for. My great-grandfather fought in World War Two and was killed in a brutal attack. My mother never speaks of the vast hole in her life where there should have been a grandfather, but it is evident how she feels. He was forced to enlist in the Second World War. He was only twenty-seven with a brand new family. The demand for men to be slaughtered was too colossal to allow a new father to stay on the mainland. She will never forgive the government for sending her grandfather to the war and for depriving her of a role model that everyone deserves to have.
Click here to see more
December 21st 2010: Ellie
The drive to the airport is prolonged and silent. I am slouching in the back seat next to Graham. There are no bags in the trunk, but there’s a giant elephant in the car. He hops right in the car to come along.
We aren’t going on a vacation, so there is nothing to be excited about, except for that my brother James is returning today. He is returning from war. My parents have never been supportive of fighting in the army ‘for your country’, even if you believe in what you’re fighting for. My great-grandfather fought in World War Two and was killed in a brutal attack. My mother never speaks of the vast hole in her life where there should have been a grandfather, but it is evident how she feels. He was forced to enlist in the Second World War. He was only twenty-seven with a brand new family. The demand for men to be slaughtered was too colossal to allow a new father to stay on the mainland. She will never forgive the government for sending her grandfather to the war and for depriving her of a role model that everyone deserves to have.
Click here to see more
Essay - The United Clones of America
The humanity has been sucked from the men’s souls. They stand on the barren battlefield, oblivious to the meaning of the actions they are performing. Without humanity, all soldiers kill unconsciously, and countries as a whole focus their attention on winning the ultimate title: the victor of the war. Propaganda is the use of the media to promote a point of view or a political view and is often based on misleading information. During WWII, propaganda was used in all countries. Now, propaganda is being mixed with sociology. For example, an advertisement for the army comes on during a National Football League game: “Be Strong. Army Strong” it says. Citizens of a majority of the world’s countries have been socialized to think of a soldier as strong, mature, and patriotic. Despite a soldier’s desire to fulfill the stereotype of a patriotic veteran, most veterans are scarred from the war and may struggle to become strong role models in communities. In war, our men march obliviously as living toy soldiers into a meaningless battle, manipulated by the carefree governments, and blindfolded by their patriotism and propaganda
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut is a novel about Billy Pilgrim, an American World War Two (WWII) veteran, and his recollections of the war. WWII began when, in September of 1939, Adolf Hitler, the dictator of Germany at the time, led an invasion into Poland. This led the United Kingdom (UK) and France to declare war on Germany on September 3rd, 1939. Ridden with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Billy reads a science-fiction novel and adopts the plot of the book as his reality. The novel leaves Billy under the impression that he is time traveling before, after, and during WWII.
Through the television, radio, movies, and posters, governments have been portraying war as patriotic since before WWI. Not only do we have an image of our army in America, but other countries also have their individual images of America’s army. During any war, it proves difficult for the American army to uphold a strong and dominant image: “The eight ridiculous Dresdeners ascertained that these hundred ridiculous creatures really were American fighting men fresh from the front. They smiled, and then they laughed. Their terror evaporated. There was nothing to be afraid of. Here were more crippled human beings, more fools like themselves.” (Vonnegut, 150) This quote from Slaughterhouse Five represents how, in reality, war affects America in the same way that it affects other countries. It makes no difference if an army has been through more training than armies from other countries, because in the end, all soldiers are the same inside. All soldiers have someone at home who is worrying about them and looking forward to the soldier’s return to safety. Soldiers from separate countries only differ in the color of their uniform. Although propaganda portrays America as dominant, American soldiers are more blindfolded and cloned men who make up the world’s colossal army of plastic toy soldiers.
See the whole essay here.
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut is a novel about Billy Pilgrim, an American World War Two (WWII) veteran, and his recollections of the war. WWII began when, in September of 1939, Adolf Hitler, the dictator of Germany at the time, led an invasion into Poland. This led the United Kingdom (UK) and France to declare war on Germany on September 3rd, 1939. Ridden with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Billy reads a science-fiction novel and adopts the plot of the book as his reality. The novel leaves Billy under the impression that he is time traveling before, after, and during WWII.
Through the television, radio, movies, and posters, governments have been portraying war as patriotic since before WWI. Not only do we have an image of our army in America, but other countries also have their individual images of America’s army. During any war, it proves difficult for the American army to uphold a strong and dominant image: “The eight ridiculous Dresdeners ascertained that these hundred ridiculous creatures really were American fighting men fresh from the front. They smiled, and then they laughed. Their terror evaporated. There was nothing to be afraid of. Here were more crippled human beings, more fools like themselves.” (Vonnegut, 150) This quote from Slaughterhouse Five represents how, in reality, war affects America in the same way that it affects other countries. It makes no difference if an army has been through more training than armies from other countries, because in the end, all soldiers are the same inside. All soldiers have someone at home who is worrying about them and looking forward to the soldier’s return to safety. Soldiers from separate countries only differ in the color of their uniform. Although propaganda portrays America as dominant, American soldiers are more blindfolded and cloned men who make up the world’s colossal army of plastic toy soldiers.
See the whole essay here.
Project Reflection
During this project, we studied the truth of war for a soldier. Leading up to the project, we read All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque while studying the history of World War One (WWI). We examined the causes of WW1, the technology of WW1, propaganda during the war, the fronts of WWI, and the Treaty of Versailles. Then, we learned about World War Two (WWII) while reading the book Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. During this time, we learned about dictators during WWII, a dictator’s to rise to power, combat of WWII, major battles of WWII, and the changes of country borders between WWI and WWII. As the project lurked closer, we began to focus on how the two books that we read explained the truth of war for a soldier. We were given a simple prompt for our project in which we were to write an essay and create any sort of project answering the question: “What is the truth of war for a soldier?”
During the time when I was creating my Truth of War project, I focused the most on refinement. While I was revising my essay through eight drafts, I was still trying to write my short story. My ‘short’ story is twenty-four pages long. Although the words and ideas came to me without much thought, it took me an excessive amount of time to proofread my story and I am very proud of my perseverance during that stage of my project. I wrote four drafts. When I was revising my first draft, I focused mainly on proofreading and grammar as well as sentence structure. Revising my second draft, I focused on word choice and making sure the paragraphs were set up in a logical order. When I revised my third draft, I was revising based on feedback from a peer. Most of the feedback was proofreading and parallel structure. The final draft of my story was the fourth draft.
One substantial revision that I made to my essay during the eight drafts that I had was that I cut out a paragraph that discussed the long-term effects of war on a soldier such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I decided to remove this paragraph because it didn’t fit into the flow of my essay. Although it addressed the section of the thesis statement in which war was described as never-ending, I decided that it didn’t add value to the essay. Removing this paragraph affected the reader because, in my essay, there wasn’t as much sentimental value without that paragraph. Another substantial revision I made to my essay was in my fourth draft, I removed a paragraph that discussed which wars soldiers fought with passion. This affects the reader because that paragraph did apply to my thesis, but during feedback, several different people advised that I remove the paragraph. At exhibition, John Fisher asked me: “Do soldiers not fight passionately even if they are fighting for a good cause? In WWII, we were fighting in response to the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor. Did those men not fight passionately for the safety of our country?” I think that I had kept that paragraph and had continued to revise it, I would have been able to answer that question more precisely because my thoughts would have been more developed.
If I had another week to work on my essay, I would have gone through the writing memo that I found on Lori’s DP to ensure that my essay was the best work that I could develop. Although I focused on parts of the writing memo such as tightening sentences and word choice, I never had the time to read my essay while focusing on grammar and punctuation, the concept section, and the paragraph section. If I had another week to work on my short story I would have made a visual to go with my short story. At exhibition, people are more interested in projects that have big posters or paintings behind them. The posters and paintings catch their eye and draw them in to your project. I also would have worked on adding heated dialogue between Ellie and the parents to establish the relationship between the daughter and the parents as well as to develop the environment in the home as Tony suggested when he critiqued my story.
During the time when I was creating my Truth of War project, I focused the most on refinement. While I was revising my essay through eight drafts, I was still trying to write my short story. My ‘short’ story is twenty-four pages long. Although the words and ideas came to me without much thought, it took me an excessive amount of time to proofread my story and I am very proud of my perseverance during that stage of my project. I wrote four drafts. When I was revising my first draft, I focused mainly on proofreading and grammar as well as sentence structure. Revising my second draft, I focused on word choice and making sure the paragraphs were set up in a logical order. When I revised my third draft, I was revising based on feedback from a peer. Most of the feedback was proofreading and parallel structure. The final draft of my story was the fourth draft.
One substantial revision that I made to my essay during the eight drafts that I had was that I cut out a paragraph that discussed the long-term effects of war on a soldier such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I decided to remove this paragraph because it didn’t fit into the flow of my essay. Although it addressed the section of the thesis statement in which war was described as never-ending, I decided that it didn’t add value to the essay. Removing this paragraph affected the reader because, in my essay, there wasn’t as much sentimental value without that paragraph. Another substantial revision I made to my essay was in my fourth draft, I removed a paragraph that discussed which wars soldiers fought with passion. This affects the reader because that paragraph did apply to my thesis, but during feedback, several different people advised that I remove the paragraph. At exhibition, John Fisher asked me: “Do soldiers not fight passionately even if they are fighting for a good cause? In WWII, we were fighting in response to the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor. Did those men not fight passionately for the safety of our country?” I think that I had kept that paragraph and had continued to revise it, I would have been able to answer that question more precisely because my thoughts would have been more developed.
If I had another week to work on my essay, I would have gone through the writing memo that I found on Lori’s DP to ensure that my essay was the best work that I could develop. Although I focused on parts of the writing memo such as tightening sentences and word choice, I never had the time to read my essay while focusing on grammar and punctuation, the concept section, and the paragraph section. If I had another week to work on my short story I would have made a visual to go with my short story. At exhibition, people are more interested in projects that have big posters or paintings behind them. The posters and paintings catch their eye and draw them in to your project. I also would have worked on adding heated dialogue between Ellie and the parents to establish the relationship between the daughter and the parents as well as to develop the environment in the home as Tony suggested when he critiqued my story.